How's Life

"How's life?"

What am I supposed to answer? What kind of answer do you expect?

So I went back to AMKSS for the band's POP and played for the recollection band. Sight-reading some of the pieces because they aren't my JBF pieces (they were the batch after mine's). We had a combination of batches because they missed out recollection band during last year's POP which was kinda sad. I wanted to play all of my JBF pieces with my batch mates once again. But nonetheless, I got to replay my part for Freefall and it's so awesome. Nostalgia came back to me. 

Anyway, so a lot of people have asked me how I've been and I didn't know what kind of answer I should give them so I just said,
"Amazing."

What kind of answer were you expecting when you asked people that question? Do you want a summary of how my life had been since the last time we saw each other or perhaps you want the details of the major events I've been through ever since then or what? Can you be more specific? 

"Hey Rou Shan, how have you been?" "Erm, amazing." "Hahahaha. Okay."

Or maybe you were expecting me to give you a negative answer about how my life have been so that I can complain about it in order to continue on the conversation? In order to not be looked upon as someone who is awkward with me? 
Don't be that kind of people guys. If you want to have a long conversation with someone, at least be sincere and honest about it. Not saying the people who asked me weren't sincere though, I was just thinking if this kind of people exists. Maybe I just over-thought it. 

ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Hey hey hey. 

Sometimes, I regret enrolling into a polytechnic because many a time being a JC student seems to suit me better. You don't have to worry about CCA points, presentations for 3 modules, what to wear every day, the heaviness and inconvenience caused by a laptop and so on. Sure, JC students have their own problems too and they may seem to be more difficult to deal with. Truckloads of homework, English essays, punctuality, promos etc. But, you see, JC have it all planned out for you. Although they force you to do homework; give you extra notes; compulsory field trips or camps or enrichment classes, these are all for you. Yes, I know, I sound really cliche but I've finally realised it. In the past, I thought all of that were just restrictions keeping you from being free. 

"What a pain in the neck for not to being able to do so many things." That's what I used to think and I still do, sometimes. 
Well, being a poly student certainly has it's benefits too! Being able to dye your hair, wearing whatever you want to school, significantly lesser amount of homework, amazing facilities and FOUR CANTEENS WITH GOOD FOOD. 

Like does JC even allow you to wear accessories. 
Anyway, it's obvious that there's so much freedom being a poly student compared to a JC student. However, the catch, is that you have to take care of yourself now that you're given your independence from rules and regulations. No one is gonna force you to do your homework, give you compulsory classes, much less forcing you to just study. You can fake your attendance by asking a small favour from your friend, copy answers during small tests and quizzes, and if you dislike studying, it's your call. Everything is up to you. No one is gonna take care of you. 

Of course my secondary school teachers have mentioned this and the difference between the life in poly and JC. And I realised that. That's why I chose poly instead of JC. Because I want freedom. I hate being bounded by some rules and have always wanted to do whatever the hell I wanted. But I missed out something. Now that I'm all on my own, who is gonna help me improve myself? And by improving, I meant adding values to yourself. 

In JCs, there will be activities which is probably a must-attend where you go to old folks' homes and do voluntary work or helping the needy. In JCs, you study about advanced concepts revolving the world of science, solving the world's toughest equation, improving your language skills and working your brain all the time. In JCs, everyone is studying like mad so as to ensure a bright future because where can they go if people don't see As on their A-Level certificate. In JCs, you're under peer pressure for a good reason, to improve yourself. You don't get that in poly. 

In poly, there will be people who care more about having fun than making themselves a better person. There's nothing wrong about having fun though, I would love to enjoy myself every single fucking day. Waking up and feel rejoiced to be alive, hanging out with my friends and go shopping. Honestly, who doesn't want that? However, this kind of life doesn't last long, your money is gonna run out someday if you don't have a source of income. More importantly, what have you accomplished. Have you traveled around the world and see not only the beauty of it, but also the nasty and dark side of this reality. Have you stepped out of your comfort zone and do something extraordinary. Have you taken up extra lessons outside of school and passed their tests on your own ability. Have you led a group of people and take responsibility. Have you changed someone's life. Have you finally realised how small and unproductive and pathetic you are. 

I'm glad I've found this out myself, without the help of teachers and friends. From now on, it's all about being independent and I'm gonna ace it. Bring it on, bitch. 

Angst

My last paper just ended today. All those academic stress and relief that has been building up in me can finally be released. I felt so light-headed when I finished the paper. I even had more than enough time to re-check my paper twice. After this, I would have two months of holiday which means freedom! To celebrate this amazing news, the 74 gang went to AMK hub to eat Prata. Yes, the Prata shop @ AMK hub. And guess what, Brandon went to try the Bomb Prata which none of us was daring enough to try it. Turns out it's just Prata full of sugar in it, probably enough to contract diabetes. Hah. In the beginning, I imagined it to be a Prata filled with so much chilli and spices that can literally make anyone cry. It's the total opposite in the end. Anyway, had a great lunch with the 74 gang with much laughter. Thanks guys! 

After lunch, we went on our separate ways home and I've decided to stroll around Northpoint and perhaps do some window-shopping. I really wanted to hang out with them longer but it seems that they couldn't make it. All well, I can handle shopping alone anyway. So would you like to guess which shop I went in first?

That's right! It's Cotton On! (Even though I know that you didn't answer. Hahaha) Cotton On is just simply my the kind of shop that I would hang out in. The prices are affordable and also reasonable. The designs are up-to-trend and youngster-ish. And there would be sections such as 2 for $30 or Nothing Over $10 which I love to browse. Mainly because of the price though. But you know, money is really hard to earn, so I have to be thrifty. And then I thought about getting my friend's birthday present since her birthday is coming soon. Originally, I wanted to get her something feminine or girly like soft toys or pretty cards. However, I didn't wanna be cliche, so I thought and thought and thought but nothing comes to my mind. I'm really bad at picking gifts. In the end, I've decided to settle for online shopping and look for creative gifts or maybe I can even give her a hand made gift. Hmm, that's definitely worth considering. 

Since I couldn't get anything out of Northpoint, I decided to go home and chill. And from then on, things started to get sucky. 

*WARNING: RANT CONTENT BELOW
I warned you.*

I reached home and the first thing I'm ordered to do was to greet my mother. I mean, okay, there's nothing wrong with greeting my mum when I reached home, I used to do that. However, after I greeted her as instructed by my father, I didn't receive a pleasant response. All I got was sarcastic one-sided comments biased against me. (She said it in Chinese but I'll do my best to translate it into English) "*Sigh* There's no point for you to greet me, you don't even care about me anyway. As if I'm transparent and invisible. It's okay, there's no need for you to greet me anymore. No one cares about me." After she said this, I walked away with a black face so ominous my father just stared at me with concern while I headed in the direction of my room and went in, I didn't slam the door, mind you. I wanted so much to talk back saying how I used to greet her in the past and all I got from her was the same half-assed remarks. Is respect really that hard to earn from mothers? Doesn't she realise how hurt I was after hearing my own mum saying that kind of words to me? Does she really think that I'm heartless and cold-blooded? I don't understand why is she so full of herself. And if I corrected her (she would probably refer my actions as rebelled), she would definitely get all defensive and protect herself instead of hearing me out. I would really like to stand up for myself, I just hope I had the courage to. I hope my mind wouldn't go blank in the middle of the argument and thus forced to concede to her. Because I really want her to change her attitude of thinking that she is a big deal. My god, what should I do? 
Thereafter, my mind is just filled of dilemmas of whether I should stand up for myself or not. And somehow, I kind of got depressed over-thinking about this issue and felt pathetic. Well, there's only me to blame though. I figured that if I don't do something about this, I'll remained depressed and pathetic and my mood would shift dangerously into the I'm-pissed-off-don't-talk-to-me zone. Hence, in an attempt to clear my mind and put everything back in place, I went for a run. Running isn't my forte and it's not my hobby or past-time activity either. 

I run to lose weight, well, it isn't going very well though.
I run to distress.
I run to clear my mind, distract myself and all the while focusing on running and my timing.
I run for fun.
I run when I have nothing else better to do.
Sometimes, I even run when I'm sad. 
And today is definitely one of those days where mood-swings decide to hit me and I would effectively fall into it's trap all because of my over-thinking nature. Great. 
Indeed, while I'm running, all I could think of was besting my own personal record and I just kept on running and running. Hoping that my legs would somehow be faster than the ticking of time on my watch if I keep on motivating myself to continue running. As expected, I bested my own personal timing. But there's wasn't much self satisfaction felt through me. Instead, I felt pitiable. Even when I swallowed my own saliva, the dryness of my throat choked me and left me gasping. Thankfully, I brought my bottled water with my everytime I ran just in case. 
My mind cleared. At least it's less cloudy now. And I've decided. If I don't stand up for myself, who will?

Feels

It's currently 3.14 am and I'm here blogging. I know my body clock is pretty much screwed and I read from some articles that if you don't sleep early, you'll gain weight. Well, wish me luck people. I wanna lose weight but my body doesn't wanna listen to me. 

Anyway, there's news that the anime, Hunter X Hunter, will probably be going on hiatus after episode 148 which is only 6 more episodes. Since the anime is catching up on the manga and the manga has not provide enough material for the anime to continue, the production team, MADHOUSE, has no choice but to put the anime on hold first. And yes, I'm devastated by this news. I really don't want the anime to be on a hiatus because then I would have nothing to watch on Wednesdays as it's practically a HxH day and I don't feel like watching any other anime because I don't wanna get hurt again. 

I feel like I'm in a relationship where my boyfriend had initiated a break-up. And the whole fandom is very sad too. All those tumblr posts about HxH anime's hiatus is on my dashboard. But on the bright side, there's a chance MADHOUSE will continue the anime once the manga has provided enough materials since nothing's really confirmed yet. And so, I'm gonna hold tightly on to that little dash of hope, crossing my fingers and praying silently. 

Anyway, right now, I'm also photoshopping some coaster designs. Can you believe it? I'm actually photoshopping. And to be honest, the last time I've used Photoshop is 2 years ago for designing my section tee's designs. And I've totally forgotten how to use it, like where is the tool which allows you to add a new layer and also the one which lets you choose shapes. OMG. I seriously suck at Photoshop. And my designs are ridiculously lame, they aren't completed though.

Ludicrously childish designs right?
Maybe I should just go to sleep and continue tomorrow. Maybe I can find some incredible designs in my dreams and be totally inspired when I wake up.
Yeah, that sounds good. My brain isn't gonna come up with any good designs at this timing anyway.

Red.

I blush easily.
My cheeks are always rosy.
My face turns red easily when I laugh real hard.
I get embarrassed easily too.
Because my skin is thin.
You can easily see the veins from the skin of my palm and arm.
And it's not like I can do anything about it.
What do you want from me anyway.
Tease me?
Make fun of me?
Make things even more difficult for me?
Or is it all of the above?
Well, whatever. 
It's not like you'll stop since you're having so much fun teasing me.
I like to help people when they encounter problems but at the end of the day, who'll help me?
What am I supposed to do anyway.
Am I supposed to fight back and make things sour between us,
Or should I just laugh it away and pretend that I'm okay with it so that our friendship still stay the same.
What should I dooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

Sat Sat Saturday

• My package finally arrived! I've ordered a cotton sweat shirt and a pair of jeans, but the jeans was a little too loose. Sigh, the disadvantages of online shopping. Well, at least the sweatshirt is still as awesome as it looks online. Hehehe. 
• So, since today's Mothers' Day, my mum requested that I cooked up something for her and I've decided to go for the easiest one. Zha Jiang Miannnnnn~ The style of cooking is really similar to pasta except that the sauce is not tomato sauce. In conclusion, the noodle is edible and the taste is not bad (it has the Zha Jiang Mian flavour in it - the salty and savoury taste). But I think it was too oily. I've put too much oil. Oops.
  
• Mothers' Day Celebration - Skipped Alumni Band Prac : So we decided to go to Chinatown to have dinner as our Mothers' Day Celebration. We walked around those streets selling super duper cheap souvenirs and stuffs which were like 6 for $10. Hahaha. Then we walked through 美食街 to look for good food but everything looks good there and also since my mum couldn't decide which to eat, we had to walk through it again. When we were walking through 美食街 for the second time, my mum suggested we go an empty so that we can sit inside for the air-con (because my sis was complaining how hot the weather is even though she was already wearing thin clothing). And so, we went into this quite empty restaurant and we ordered our food. Then there's this green tea which they sold it for $5. We expected that the green tea would probably be good in both quality and quantity since it costs 5 bucks but in the end, we got ONE CAN OF HEAVEN AND EARTH GREEN TEA. WOW. FOR FIVE BUCKS. But the food was nice, so is their chinese tea. Ohh, and while we were waiting for the food to arrive, I played Don't tap the while tile on my sis's phone and I beat her high score for Arcade and Rush. MUAHAHAHAHAH.  

It'll be over soon

I hope April 20th will come quickly so that school can start soon. I don't feel like working there anymore. It's so stressful. Yes, I know that there's no job in the world where there's no stress but this is really too stressful for me. There's so many things to be done and so many things to learn and soo many things to be responsible for. I hate it. Please be over soon. I'll still work willingly because I need the money to pay my school fees. I should be improving but why am I still so stupid and clumsy. I dislike it.
My boss decides to put me on full shift for 6 days for next week. Is he insane? I'm not gonna let him take advantage of me. Thus, I've decided to fight for my rights and at least take another half day off! RAWR. Even though it's gonna be my last week working at that shop but that doesn't mean I should give in to everything. I'm not gonna be that silly girl who will suffer alone. I'm gonna fend for myself. 

I'm stronger, tougher and better. So I'll make sure you don't take advantage of me. 

I'm not the same kid from your memory. Well now I can fend for myself.

Stop it.

I'm not a traitor or a betrayer. Even if I may seem like that because I changed my job but I'm definitely not capable of doing such things. I don't have the guts to do such things. Also, I didn't change my job for a higher pay. It's not that I didn't want them, they didn't want me. Yes, I may sound really pathetic and you will most possibly pity/sympathize me but it's much better than being accused of being a traitor. I hate it when people just accuse me without hearing the full story. And also people who assume/expect me to know a lot of things just because I've worked at the shop beside. I mean, hello, Japanese snacks and Western food are two totally different things. You can't just lump them together and compare them. 
I am soft-spoken and shy, and sometimes I don't speak up for myself and I just keep it in. I know myself too well. My time alone was well spent pondering about my life, my personality, how others think of me, my weight and a lot of other random things. I want to change myself and I'm trying. If you don't see any progress, then please wait some more, I've only just started. I need courage to step out. I need lots of practice to familarise myself with new situations. I need time to change. I'm not super, I'm just Rou Shan, a super ordinary and normal girl. 

Start anew.

Soooooo, I was kinda fired from my previous job because they had more than enough staffs after closing down one of their outlets. Even though I was mentally prepared for it, I still broke down. Well, actually the boss said that I don't have to work there anymore but they might need me to help out during events such as food fair and kept on comforting me. Sighpie. But anyway, I got a new job which is just beside my previous stall. Hahahaha. And today was the first day of work there. It was really tiring and fast-paced. I couldn't keep up with the pace there, I prefer doing things at my own speed. I think I mentioned this before I prefer to do things at my pace and familarise myself with it. It takes time to learn how to make burgers quickly and at the same time delicious too okay. It's not like I'm not a superwoman who can learn and ace everything within a day. Even though I worked at the stall beside doesn't mean I'm superb. I'm actually pretty lazy but all well, I shouldn't be lazing around while working. I need to learn how to work under pressure too. I seriously need to step out of my comfort zone. I'm been pampered too much. I believe I can change for the better. I must believe that I can change myself. Believe that I won't be that quiet and shy girl who seriously lacks of self-confidence. I can change myself. I wanna be reborn and start anew with a new personality too. 

I still need help though. :(

Oh no.

I'm getting fatter and my size has increased. Last year, I was 40+ kg and today, my weight is ranging from 55 to 58 kg. I need to lose some weight and burn more fats, especially my tummy. I used to do lots of sit-ups, thinking that it will help me lose weight but I WAS WRONG. Doing sit-ups doesn't help with burning fats at all, it builds up my abdominal muscles instead. And thus, pushing out my tummy fats. 

Oh my god. Why didn't I realise that doing sit-ups doesn't help at all and instead it's making losing fats even tougher. Moreover, I can't just destroy those somewhat developed abs nor do I know how to burn those stubborn fats. GAHHHH. 

Oh, and by the way, I was received my enrolment package! WOOHOO. But there's a truckload of information to digest. It's information overload. And datelines are all over the place. There's fees to pay, forms to submit, vision tests to complete and much more. Gosh. 

Azarath

Okay, I haven't been updating due to work and other events that I just had to go, and also due to my laziness and procrastination. Well, here I am! 

So, Valentines' Day was just like a normal day for me, surfing the net aimlessly and watching my all-time favourite cartoon : Teen Titans! Hehehehehe. I've liked the Teen Titans series since I was a child and I really admire the character Raven in the series. She's so mysterious and her powers are so awesome. Also, she is so nonchalant and calm about everything. And, she is also pretty sarcastic and funny. :) 

AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I should probably do a post just to fangirl about Raven, and perhaps spam tons of gifs and photos about her. :D Yeah, I should. Hahaahha. 

And on Saturday, Feb 15, it's my juniors' concert @ SOTA. Thus, I went to support my two lovely juniors who are playing for the MTDC concert. But before that, I went to AMK Fairprice and gave my secret buddy her present. As I was in a rush to SOTA fearing that I might be late, I didn't have much time to talk to her or take any photos. :( Anyway, I hope she liked the present! So, back to the MTDC concert. It was awesome and I was able to catch up with my batch of MTDC peeps. :) It's nice to see all of you again! 

And after the concert, the craziness starts. There are girls over-reacting by screaming at the top of their lungs the moment the performers came out and lots of people taking tons of photos and selfies, and performers who are crying because they screwed up, and people who went to hug her for comfort which actually looks really fake (just like a show put up to show people and gain attention to themselves that they are caring people, not actually comforting the performer). Well, I don't know why do you wanna scream your lungs off when you see them come out, it's not like they are celebrities or stars, you really don't have to scream so loudly. It's really annoying when girls over-react and scream at little things. It just makes you look like another annoying attention seeker. And I think that there's no use even if you cry or grief about your mistake. What's done cannot be undone, so get over it. Crying won't get you anywhere, so just work harder and don't make any mistakes anymore. And why do you need like 15 people to comfort 1 person. What's the use of crowding around a person who is crying. It'll only attracts more attention to the person who is crying which may probably backfires as the person wanna be alone. I understand when people crowd around one person after performance to congratulate him/her but people gathering and hugging onto one another as comfort for one person is just beyond me. Seriously. 

Girls nowadays. 

Well, gonna end my post here. Tata.