Angst

My last paper just ended today. All those academic stress and relief that has been building up in me can finally be released. I felt so light-headed when I finished the paper. I even had more than enough time to re-check my paper twice. After this, I would have two months of holiday which means freedom! To celebrate this amazing news, the 74 gang went to AMK hub to eat Prata. Yes, the Prata shop @ AMK hub. And guess what, Brandon went to try the Bomb Prata which none of us was daring enough to try it. Turns out it's just Prata full of sugar in it, probably enough to contract diabetes. Hah. In the beginning, I imagined it to be a Prata filled with so much chilli and spices that can literally make anyone cry. It's the total opposite in the end. Anyway, had a great lunch with the 74 gang with much laughter. Thanks guys! 

After lunch, we went on our separate ways home and I've decided to stroll around Northpoint and perhaps do some window-shopping. I really wanted to hang out with them longer but it seems that they couldn't make it. All well, I can handle shopping alone anyway. So would you like to guess which shop I went in first?

That's right! It's Cotton On! (Even though I know that you didn't answer. Hahaha) Cotton On is just simply my the kind of shop that I would hang out in. The prices are affordable and also reasonable. The designs are up-to-trend and youngster-ish. And there would be sections such as 2 for $30 or Nothing Over $10 which I love to browse. Mainly because of the price though. But you know, money is really hard to earn, so I have to be thrifty. And then I thought about getting my friend's birthday present since her birthday is coming soon. Originally, I wanted to get her something feminine or girly like soft toys or pretty cards. However, I didn't wanna be cliche, so I thought and thought and thought but nothing comes to my mind. I'm really bad at picking gifts. In the end, I've decided to settle for online shopping and look for creative gifts or maybe I can even give her a hand made gift. Hmm, that's definitely worth considering. 

Since I couldn't get anything out of Northpoint, I decided to go home and chill. And from then on, things started to get sucky. 

*WARNING: RANT CONTENT BELOW
I warned you.*

I reached home and the first thing I'm ordered to do was to greet my mother. I mean, okay, there's nothing wrong with greeting my mum when I reached home, I used to do that. However, after I greeted her as instructed by my father, I didn't receive a pleasant response. All I got was sarcastic one-sided comments biased against me. (She said it in Chinese but I'll do my best to translate it into English) "*Sigh* There's no point for you to greet me, you don't even care about me anyway. As if I'm transparent and invisible. It's okay, there's no need for you to greet me anymore. No one cares about me." After she said this, I walked away with a black face so ominous my father just stared at me with concern while I headed in the direction of my room and went in, I didn't slam the door, mind you. I wanted so much to talk back saying how I used to greet her in the past and all I got from her was the same half-assed remarks. Is respect really that hard to earn from mothers? Doesn't she realise how hurt I was after hearing my own mum saying that kind of words to me? Does she really think that I'm heartless and cold-blooded? I don't understand why is she so full of herself. And if I corrected her (she would probably refer my actions as rebelled), she would definitely get all defensive and protect herself instead of hearing me out. I would really like to stand up for myself, I just hope I had the courage to. I hope my mind wouldn't go blank in the middle of the argument and thus forced to concede to her. Because I really want her to change her attitude of thinking that she is a big deal. My god, what should I do? 
Thereafter, my mind is just filled of dilemmas of whether I should stand up for myself or not. And somehow, I kind of got depressed over-thinking about this issue and felt pathetic. Well, there's only me to blame though. I figured that if I don't do something about this, I'll remained depressed and pathetic and my mood would shift dangerously into the I'm-pissed-off-don't-talk-to-me zone. Hence, in an attempt to clear my mind and put everything back in place, I went for a run. Running isn't my forte and it's not my hobby or past-time activity either. 

I run to lose weight, well, it isn't going very well though.
I run to distress.
I run to clear my mind, distract myself and all the while focusing on running and my timing.
I run for fun.
I run when I have nothing else better to do.
Sometimes, I even run when I'm sad. 
And today is definitely one of those days where mood-swings decide to hit me and I would effectively fall into it's trap all because of my over-thinking nature. Great. 
Indeed, while I'm running, all I could think of was besting my own personal record and I just kept on running and running. Hoping that my legs would somehow be faster than the ticking of time on my watch if I keep on motivating myself to continue running. As expected, I bested my own personal timing. But there's wasn't much self satisfaction felt through me. Instead, I felt pitiable. Even when I swallowed my own saliva, the dryness of my throat choked me and left me gasping. Thankfully, I brought my bottled water with my everytime I ran just in case. 
My mind cleared. At least it's less cloudy now. And I've decided. If I don't stand up for myself, who will?