Why

I feel so lost. I have no idea what should I do. 
What's happening?!

Oh my god. Help. 

Mighty Long Fall

Don't fall for it. Don't trip. Don't even lose your balance, because it may not be worth it, no, it may not even mean anything. Moreover, it means nothing to him. Rather, what you're feeling right now is useless. It not only hinders your concentration, but also makes you lose yourself. 

Don't think about it. Don't notice. Don't even let it get inside your head. Nothing will change if you continue to keep this up, it'll only worsen your condition. Faster, get over it. C'mon, you can do it. It's not as difficult as you think it is. This is for the better. 

Love can wait, but studies progress with time and time wait for no one. 
Hurry and pick up your pace again.
Leave behind anything unimportant. 

This relationship isn't going to get you anywhere, you know it.

"To you, I'm just one person out of many,

I pass you by,

I'm not special to you"

I'll give up. 

Secret?

Tomorrow's the chalet and I wasn't planning to go for it at all since I've already made plans for tomorrow. However, at midnight my secret buddy texted me telling me to go because she has something she wanna tell me. And you know, I can never left my friends alone. So, I'll go for the chalet after my movie then, I hope she doesn't mind though.
I really wonder what she has to tell me. Man, she got me really curious about it. I can't wait to see her too, and I really miss her a lot. 
See you soon, secret buddy! <3

Sticky

I can finally relate to how Rayna felt towards me when we're in Sec 1.
You're being too sticky, not as in physically sticky after sweating a lot but you're sticking to me too much and it's starting to disgust me. So, will you stop following me wherever I am? Please, I'm begging you. Go find your own clique or best friend or something, just stop sticking to me most of the time. I've been avoiding you all this while so that perhaps you'll understand that you need to keep a distance from me like how I understood the situation when I was in Sec 1. But I don't think that worked because you're obviously still around me most of the time no matter how hard I try to shake you off. I guess I have to say it straight in your face huh.
But I have no idea how am I going to approach this topic with you since I don't even feel like talking to you at all. Oh god. And I know that if I just be the straightforward me, you'll definitely get hurt, but if I don't, I'll be the one who will suffer. Argh.
Here I am feeling so troubled but you just act as if nothing happened and causally stand beside me. People change and I've changed. Or rather, I've developed my own style and character and my personality cannot stand your attitude anymore.
Maybe I shouldn't have came to this course, or maybe I should have just went to JC instead, where most of my friends are.

Poly 1.1.06

Monday:
EG! was cancelled because Ms Huang had to attend the graduation ceremony and thus, we're going to have our make-up lesson tmr from 4-5 when we're supposed to end tmr's lessons at 3. 
Well, anyway, I was late for compro class, even Bing Yi was earlier than me. Wow. Anyway, we learnt switch which I can use it for my mini project, so I do not have to if else all the way. Hehehhe.
And then there's Eltech quiz which was pretty easy and I managed to do all the questions! YOOHOO! And I changed my answer for the last question at the last minute and the answer which I put was correct! Double YOOHOO! Hahahaha. 
And after Eltech and the 2 hours lunch break which I went to Makan Place hoping that I would see Juliana but didn't, was EngMec and it's the Grumpy Cat's lecture all over again but this time, he decided that he'll heck care more and let whoever finished the tutorials off. And because I'm a lazy person who don't study at home, I'll have to finish the tutorials in class. Sigh. 
And then there's my sister's graduation ceremony @ NYP so I went there to congratulate her and at the same time, GET FREE FOOOOOOOOD.

Hahahahaha. The food was nice, I mean, free food always taste good. Hahahaha. But the dessert wasn't as nice, especially the mini brownies. They taste disgusting.

Tuesday:
Physics, physics. Why is physics so damn confusing at poly level? Gah. And why does everyone keep teasing me. It's bullying okay! One more time and I'll just rage quit and leave. I'm fucking serious. I'm not afraid to walk out on everyone since no one stands by me all this while anyway. 

Come at me, bitches.

Wednesday:
I'm sick but I don't wanna not go to school because there's EngMec quiz and IMRE visit and most importantly, Japanese class. >.< So I had to bear the sufferings of being a sickly person and go to school today. And Japanese Oral & Listening test is next week so I have to go for today's lesson. Sigh. What a bad luck. But EngMec quiz was pretty easy and I left halfway together with most of the class. Hahahaha. Suckers. 
Took 74 back and I missed the stop I was supposed to get off because I overslept. So I alighted a few stops after where I was supposed to alight and went over to the other side of the road with my running nose and sat at the bus stop looking daze. And then, my father called and I told him that I overslept and have no idea where am I. And he decided to fetch me but I thought it would be better if I took a bus back to AMK hub since it's easier for him to pick me up. But my dad doesn't really checks him phone and only realises it after he called me when he reached AMK avenue 3. I'm sorry, dad. 

Thursday:
Comiss today and we're supposed to have Show 'N' Tell today but Mrs Zaitoon decided to postpone it to next week because we're too unsure about what we're supposed to do. And she said it would be an one-minute Show 'N' Tell but she suddenly changed her mind and said that it should be a five minute speech. 

So, since the 5 minutes speech is totally unheard of, Mrs Zaitoon decided to just forget about it and pushes it to next week and everyone will have to do a 5min speech. -.- How am I supposed to present a pair of drumsticks for 5 minutes?! I'm so screwed, and I think I'll help to advertise the performance that the alumni and the main band of AMKSB @ Gardens by the Bay during the last few moments of my speech. Hahahaha. Anyway, today's Comiss lesson was okay-ish, except that Mrs Zaitoon got angry with us because we didn't listen to her. Hmm, anyway, my dad fetched me back home after lesson and took me to the doctor downstairs. The doctor is really nice and she's not fierce at all. Hahahah. And I went in for the doctor's consultation alone. Woohoo. And she gave me a MC which I don't need because I'll be going to school tmr since I'm feeling much better than yesterday. 

And there's ES society interview tmr! Oh no! I hate interviews and the only real interview that I have went for is the MTDC audition which the interview totally caught me by surprise. I thought that we're only supposed to perform our piece and sight-read the pieces and I totally didn't see the interview at the end coming. 

 So Mr Ramu (who is also our tutor at that time) asked me questions such as "Why do you wanna join MTDC?", and "You also received tutoring from me, so why still join MTDC?". Yes, it's almost the same questions but I had to think on the spot and answer him. Do you know how scary it was. OMG. (I know I side tracked a little, sorry. >.<)

Friday:
So I asked my dad to fetch me to school again because I know that I'll definitely be late if I don't. Sorry, dad, and thanks! :)
Compro today and I've completed all the assignments that we're supposed to do for this term. AW YEAH. All thanks to Yub and Joel that I'm able to complete it so quickly. Thanks a ton! 
And then there's Physics and thankfully Ms Huang uploaded the tutorial questions and answers up onto MeL which in her case is Meow. Hahahaha. She's so cute, right? Anyway, since I don't really understand a single shit during Physics and also because I wasn't really listening and instead talking to Yub, I'm gonna download all the Physics tutorials and solutions and study them. 

Come at me, Physics.

Ohh, and the ES society interview went pretty well. Actually, it's more like a causal chat because the interview is conducted by students so we chit-chatted a little at the end and maybe also due to the fact that I was the last interviewee today (since Yub couldn't make it). But I don't think I'll get in though, not gonna carry high hopes and just gonna cross my fingers. 

And by the way, I tried to find the bus stop which my sec sch clique used to take when we went to ngee ann poly with the school but I couldn't remember how to get there. So Lester and I went to find it and we didn't manage to find any bus stop. Nooooooooo, can't take 852 back. :( Anyway, I'll not give up this easily, so I'll go and find it again next time. 

And I cut my own fringe today. Hehehe.

Red.

I blush easily.
My cheeks are always rosy.
My face turns red easily when I laugh real hard.
I get embarrassed easily too.
Because my skin is thin.
You can easily see the veins from the skin of my palm and arm.
And it's not like I can do anything about it.
What do you want from me anyway.
Tease me?
Make fun of me?
Make things even more difficult for me?
Or is it all of the above?
Well, whatever. 
It's not like you'll stop since you're having so much fun teasing me.
I like to help people when they encounter problems but at the end of the day, who'll help me?
What am I supposed to do anyway.
Am I supposed to fight back and make things sour between us,
Or should I just laugh it away and pretend that I'm okay with it so that our friendship still stay the same.
What should I dooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

It'll be over soon

I hope April 20th will come quickly so that school can start soon. I don't feel like working there anymore. It's so stressful. Yes, I know that there's no job in the world where there's no stress but this is really too stressful for me. There's so many things to be done and so many things to learn and soo many things to be responsible for. I hate it. Please be over soon. I'll still work willingly because I need the money to pay my school fees. I should be improving but why am I still so stupid and clumsy. I dislike it.
My boss decides to put me on full shift for 6 days for next week. Is he insane? I'm not gonna let him take advantage of me. Thus, I've decided to fight for my rights and at least take another half day off! RAWR. Even though it's gonna be my last week working at that shop but that doesn't mean I should give in to everything. I'm not gonna be that silly girl who will suffer alone. I'm gonna fend for myself. 

I'm stronger, tougher and better. So I'll make sure you don't take advantage of me. 

I'm not the same kid from your memory. Well now I can fend for myself.

Stop it.

I'm not a traitor or a betrayer. Even if I may seem like that because I changed my job but I'm definitely not capable of doing such things. I don't have the guts to do such things. Also, I didn't change my job for a higher pay. It's not that I didn't want them, they didn't want me. Yes, I may sound really pathetic and you will most possibly pity/sympathize me but it's much better than being accused of being a traitor. I hate it when people just accuse me without hearing the full story. And also people who assume/expect me to know a lot of things just because I've worked at the shop beside. I mean, hello, Japanese snacks and Western food are two totally different things. You can't just lump them together and compare them. 
I am soft-spoken and shy, and sometimes I don't speak up for myself and I just keep it in. I know myself too well. My time alone was well spent pondering about my life, my personality, how others think of me, my weight and a lot of other random things. I want to change myself and I'm trying. If you don't see any progress, then please wait some more, I've only just started. I need courage to step out. I need lots of practice to familarise myself with new situations. I need time to change. I'm not super, I'm just Rou Shan, a super ordinary and normal girl. 

Oh no.

I'm getting fatter and my size has increased. Last year, I was 40+ kg and today, my weight is ranging from 55 to 58 kg. I need to lose some weight and burn more fats, especially my tummy. I used to do lots of sit-ups, thinking that it will help me lose weight but I WAS WRONG. Doing sit-ups doesn't help with burning fats at all, it builds up my abdominal muscles instead. And thus, pushing out my tummy fats. 

Oh my god. Why didn't I realise that doing sit-ups doesn't help at all and instead it's making losing fats even tougher. Moreover, I can't just destroy those somewhat developed abs nor do I know how to burn those stubborn fats. GAHHHH. 

Oh, and by the way, I was received my enrolment package! WOOHOO. But there's a truckload of information to digest. It's information overload. And datelines are all over the place. There's fees to pay, forms to submit, vision tests to complete and much more. Gosh. 

Breathless

I kept picturing myself getting strangled against a wall. 
I don't know why. 
:/

The Weekend

Sooooooooo, Passing Out Parade (P.O.P.) has ended not long ago, last Saturday to be precise. And due to the new arrangement for the parade band (they have to march in and march out of the parade), they lack of players. So, JiaYi and I went to help them fill up the empty spaces during march in and march out. It wasn't easy playing a piece without the music sheet while marching to the beat and synchronizing with the rest of the parade band members. Well, we managed somehow, by faking through the our parts during some part of the pieces. Hehehe. Anyway, we had to stand in position for 15 minutes before the start of the parade and it was really agonizing. 

• Firstly, we're wearing harness with the snare drum attached to it. 
• Secondly, we have to stay still and I tried not to fidget as much as possible. 
• Thirdly, the parade is in the afternoon at the parade square, thus the Sun shone happily and brightly at us, making me sweat like crazy. 
• In addition, we're either in full band uniform which includes a disgusting-green coloured thick blazer or an all-black attire for the alumni players. 

Well, thankfully, I'm not playing the bass drum because it's really tiring to march with that heavy and huge drum hanging onto your shoulders. I wanted to show some photos but they aren't up on the net yet. 
Oh, by the way, we won the BEST SECTION AWARD! WOOHOO! :D 

(The Best Section Award is the one in blueeeeeee. :D)

The other two awards are both obtained this year. The first one was given to me during Awards Day for being the section leader of the percussion section. And the second one was given to me during Band Dinner to thank all the graduating seniors for their contribution to the band. :)

To be honest, I don't think I deserve the first award. Being able to have such a wonderful section is not only my efforts alone, it's the seniors' and the current section members' efforts too. I don't think I did a lot for my section too and that title of being the section leader was given to me because I'm the only percussionist of my batch. And I sort of knew I would be the section leader since Secondary 2. I don't mean to be bashful but there's probably no one else they would rather choose. As a result, I got complacent and I took that title as granted. The reason why the section is so good now is because of the efforts my juniors put in to improve and push themselves. XueQi once wrote a letter to everyone in the section including me. In that letter, she said that she can't imagine the effort I put in to make the section where it is now. In fact, I would always have this sense of guilt in me whenever I re-read the letter and feel ashamed of myself. I wished I had done something impactful or meaningful for the section that would help them improve. Or maybe I could have been stricter when conducting sectionals so that they would be more disciplined. But I didn't. 

I know saying all this is meaningless now but I still want to express it somewhere. Keeping it in is really difficult. Anyway, I'll always remind myself to take the lead and actually be the leader when the chance comes by. Being the percussion section leader has certainly taught me a lot of things, like the importance of pushing yourself beyond the limits, venture out of your comfort zone, the relations between the section members and never to be complacent. I hope I can always keep that in my mind. 

Enough of depressing thoughts, let's move on to Sunday. I've work arranged on Sunday at Swissotel. It's my fourth time working and I am still really inexperienced. The manager in charge of us has arranged me and other two probably same age as me workers who are second timers at Swissotel to take care of FOUR tables. That makes three inexperienced young workers taking care of 4 tables. You must be kidding, right? How are we gonna manage?! Hence, I told them to take lots of plates, bowls, under-liners, spoons and forks just in case. We even had to take care of 3 vegetarian meals. Gosh, it was super busy and there were lots of demands too (warm water, cups of fanta orange, refill of Chinese tea and other beverages). To the people who are seated at tables 13, 14, 17 and 18 yesterday during the wedding, I'm really sorry for the poor service, please understand that we are lack in manpower and experience. After a while, a kind and friendly team leader came to help us. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  

He's really experienced and he helped us a lot by portioning and picking up our food. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! 

And the wedding dinner came to an end by 11 plus and by the time we finished clearing our side stations and tables, it's already 11:30 which is time to sign out for work. After changing and what not, I left the hotel to walk to City Hall MRT station. Shu Zhen is overseas and I've been working alone for two times already and it's not that bad actually. Since you most probably won't to allocated to work at the same tables anyway, you won't be able to work with your friend either. I was trying to find the way to the MRT station alone after going there from Swissotel only one time. Given that I don't really have a good sense of direction, it's quite an accomplishment to me. Hahaha. My left arm muscles aches quite a lot from carrying the plates on a tray during work. I believe I should be accustomed to it sooner or later, plus, I had muscles training from carrying the percussion instruments and push-ups. 

And I broke a few glasses while trying to help another person with the glasses on his tray. Whoops. I'm sorry for breaking them, I'll be more careful and not so clumsy. 

And that's about it for today's post. :)